This is me delivering my lecture

This is me delivering my lecture

I have just returned from a most interesting and illuminating conference in Scarborough.  I had been invited to read extracts from my research paper entitled ‘A study of the marine life of the inter-tidal rock pools on the coastal margins of the Flamborough Headland Special Area of Conservation’, Flamborough Head of course only being just down the road from Scarborough.  This paper will soon be published in the series of academic journals entitled ‘Smut by the Sea’.

I was under the impression I was presenting my paper to the University of Scarborough school of marine biology but what do I find – I’m stuck in a conference of erotic authors and readers!  Well, you can imagine my shock and surprise!  But, I have to say, what a lovely bunch of people they were.  They were very friendly and made me most welcome.  Though I have to say some of the content made me blush.  But even so, this group must have been interested in the reproductive behaviour of rock pool marine life to have invited me.

 

A novel way of ensuring speakers don't overrun

A novel way of ensuring speakers don’t overrun

 

I managed to avoid a paddling!

I managed to avoid a paddling!

I hope my presentation was received ok.  I fear I might have lost my audience a bit when I started discussing the beadlet anemone as they looked a bit confused and were clearly expecting something sexier. I have to comment on the technique for ensuring the papers didn’t overrun.  If your reading went over the allotted time slot of 5 or 6 minutes then you were paddled by a very attractive young lady.  Now, I’ve been to many conferences in my time but never come across this method of ensuring speakers keep to time before.  I have to say it was extremely effective.  I rather think it’s a technique that should be introduced at universities across the country to ensure speakers don’t overrun as academics do have a tendency to go on a bit.  I’m sure a sharp slap on the back side with a paddle would soon bring them to a halt!  I have to admit I was tempted to go over the time limit deliberately just to get spanked, but decided that would be bad form and  fear I might have enjoyed it far too much than would be good for me!

I learnt an awful lot from the event – not much about marine biology admittedly – but a great deal about writing smut, which I’m sure will come in useful.  There were very informative workshops about finding inspiration for stories, writing better erotica and what editors look for.  I learnt some very valuable techniques.  I think the next time I lecture I’ll take a bucket and spade and some holiday snaps along with me and when I next hold a seminar I’ll get my students to write anything they want without stopping – the results will probably be better than some of the essays I get!

As for the readings.  Well, what can I say? – what an eye opener for a crusty academic like me!  They were so hot!! Though I’m ashamed to say I enjoyed every one of them immensely – maybe I should get out of the school of marine biology more often as this was undoubtedly one of the most enjoyable conferences I’ve ever attended.  As a marine biologist and an outsider I was struck by the variety of styles and content covered by what you call ‘smut’ or ‘erotica’.  I have to compliment the reading of Charlie Forrest who dispensed with any notes and pulled it off brilliantly.  I’d love to be able to throw away my lecture notes, but fear there are too many Latin species names to remember.  I was also impressed with his technique of throwing a shoe into the audience to capture their attention.  I must try that on my students if I see them drifting off in a lecture.

 

Some of the other readers

Some of the other readers

 

In fact the whole day was so hot I simply could not turn down the kind invitation of Tilly Hunter, one of the delegates at the conference, to go for a swim to cool off.  I can tell you, the ball-chilling cold of the North Sea soon dampened any arousal generated by the readings!

If anybody would like to read the full text of my paper on the rock pool marine life of Flamborough Headland then it will be published soon in Smut by the Sea vol.3.

Slave Nano, reader in marine biology, University of Smutland.

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